I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
