The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
