Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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