I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
