I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
