Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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