Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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