I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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