Got a toothbrush?
if only i could text you this smell
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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