As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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