Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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