I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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