So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
