he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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