i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
