Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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