got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
