I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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