By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You can't special order awesome
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
