I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i now understand why vodka
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
