So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
