the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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