"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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