who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
