why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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