Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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