Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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