I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
