The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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