Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
