Soap is not a condiment
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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