Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
