And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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