Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
