JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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