i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
