Fine. I'll sleep in my office
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
