Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
