Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
