Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
The beer is more important than you right now.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize