I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
