peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
