I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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