i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
