Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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