i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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