shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
