Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
