Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
please don't ironically join a cult
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