At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
