If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
