first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
