im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I need to calm my uterus...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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