My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
