i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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