i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I think I just sharted jello shots
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
