i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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