Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
