sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
