you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
